Practically Creative & Social Media Shocks

 I came back from my social media hiatus and posted a YouTube short that gained over 1.2k views. This is by far the most views I have had on my channel (by like, 1,000). I left YouTube alone since the post because I have been focusing on job applications and interviews. I did, however, do something I had been purposefully avoiding for years. I created my first TikTok account. I have said ad nauseam that that I have never seen a "TikTok" and all it references for me is that Ke$ha song and Return To Oz with Fairuza Balk. I can no longer say this. I am officially part of the TikTok world, and honestly, I am kind of loving it. I have found BookTok, which is a really perfect way to advertise my book, once it is ready to publish. I have already reached out to a few book reviews in my genre that said they would read my book once it is out and post a TikTok review. I literally just found free advertising for my book, and its not even finished yet. Obviously, I am pretty confident in my writing ability, because if it happens to be a terrible read, the review videos won't help. I can actually say that I am confident in this ability, and honestly feeling confidence in myself (cue Julie Andrews singing I have confidence from the Sound of Music) is a strange experience that I am so grateful for. 

    Most recently, I have begun to feel self-confident, which is not what I anticipated at all with how my life has been this past year. But for whatever reason, and perhaps I have an angel looking out for me (thank you, Nahid), it's happening. I have confidence in my career skills in GIS, and in my capacity as a writer, as well as functioning as a human in general. The past three years the grief from losing my ex-partner to cancer, and then my familiar, really shocked my soul. I already discussed this in the last post, but I still can't believe the difference in how I feel about myself now compared to just a few months ago. I wanted to feel normal again, but I couldn't figure out how to get there. And, now I am here again. And I feel so grounded within myself. Before this huge loss, I used to think I was meant to do something great in this life. Then, my world fell apart and I no longer felt that way. For whatever reason, I feel it again. I still feel like I am on my way to do something really great. I thought I lost that with Nahid, but I did not. I am still on the path to something ... whatever it may be. Although, not to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, don't a lot of highly successful and important people go through very difficult circumstances before they soar? 

    I have been on a steep learning curve with self-publishing. You would think I would have the book written first before researching all of this, but I want to be ready when it is finished. That way, I won't feel like a fish out of water with a complete novel. For me, it's working. I am learning about cover art, formatting, marketing, and all of KDP. Huge thank you to my friend Shauna Aura Knight, who is already an indie author on KDP and has been so kind and ridiculously helpful in answering all of my KDP/indie author questions. Check out her books on Amazon here. This feels so right to me. A perfect fit. Like a glove. I had written short sapphic erotica when I was in high school, before I even realized I was a lesbian. A friend of mine asked me if I was after reading one of them, and I was like, 'No, It's just like this thing I like to do." I had never written any short stories prior to these, and here I was producing a few short erotic lesbian stories without ever even having sex yet. I was just imagining what it could be like. I had never, before or after, written anything heterosexual. You would think that would have made a light bulb go off, but nah. It would take another year until I had my first girlfriend and lost my virginity. Then, writing the sultry sex scenes became much more fluid as I had experience to write from. 

    This first novel is a coming-of-age young adult lesbian age-gap fairy tale. I think it could be the first of it's kind, although I cannot say for certain. It's not steamy sapphic erotica, but those will be to follow. This novel is more Hans Christian Anderson-esque. I already have ideas for a trilogy to follow, which will be another young adult coming-of-age lesbian series, but this will not be a fairy tale. It will be pagan themed. I also have a non-fiction started that is geographic philosophy, in a very Foucauldian style. There is so much writing swimming around in my brain. With all of these solid ideas, I do find it difficult at times to sit down and focus on one to write. I can see the layouts of many of these books in my head that when I sit down to write one, I do get transported into my fairy tale, but I also have these other ideas competing for immediate brain space. It's so interesting. I cannot write three, four, five, six books literally at the same time. But I can keep notes along the way, which is what I have been doing. It's probably as close to writing them all simultaneously as I will get until I have more practice in time. I have a feeling though that once I establish a format for my fiction novels, it will be a much smoother and quicker process.. Right now I am still new and so I do not have my outline process established. I am creating it as I go for this first book, which is appropriate. No self-judgement in this. I have no idea when this book will be ready to purchase on Amazon. Originally, I thought it would take possibly a year. Now that I have learned more about the publishing and formatting process, I don't expect it will take that long at all. Now, I really think that once I finish writing it that I will be able to publish probably within a week. The indie publishing through Amazon is kind of amazing. I will be a published fiction author. I don't have to send it out to publishers and wait for eons and hope someone likes what I wrote. I can publish it myself and actually be an author sooner than I ever would have thought possible. This is really quite incredible. While I have a lot of qualms with how fast-paced and streamlined the world has become with the colonized internet, this is one thing I am so happy about. I will be an author. As soon as my fingers finish typing the book. No one can take that away from me. I can't tell you what it means to me. Something as unattainable as the coveted title of "Author" is now just a matter of time until the project is complete. 

    To keep myself grounded, I have been binge watching two shows: The Golden Girls and Big Bang Theory. I feel so normal and grounded. Job applications, Interviews, novel writing, cooking real & healthy meals, and binge watching funny TV shows is how it's all working. I am remaining confident and not wallowing in grief. It's quite extraordinary, really. I feel so normal. I have never had to take medications, although the PTSD and grief was so bad the past few years that I was smoking medical cannabis. I haven't smoked in almost 6 months and I have no desire to. I don't feel hopeless any more, so I don't feel like I want it. The hopeless part was what why I was smoking. But it has finally passed, so my need has passed with it. I literally just feel like myself again. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally be through the woods. I thought the grief would last indefinitely. So, if you happen to be struggling with grief as I had been, just know that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark it appears to be. I promise. It does pass. 

Back to The Golden Girls, I ate an entire pint of haagen-dazs coffee ice cream (because, is there any other?) accidentally (oops!) while watching an episode with a lesbian character. I was expecting it to be all subtext. I never expected to see a normal lesbian character featured on the show. Dorothy's friend came to visit after her partner died a year ago. And in walks this completely regular looking woman who had just come out of her grieving process and develops a crush on Rose throughout the episode as they spend time together. Mind. Blown. The timing is just too perfect. Something must have been whispering to my psyche to begin watching this series from the beginning. I have no other explanation for it other than esoteric. It was the most relatable thing I could ever see reflected back at me from a TV show I would watch occasionally with my mom and gramma 2 decades ago. it really is the only explanation (thanks, Gramma. Miss you<3). 

And with that very long post, I will stop it here. 

Thank you again for reading and following along with the inner workings of my life. I am so grateful for you to witness my Self. It truly means a great deal. Blessed be.

Mindfully,

~Amanda